Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I wrote this when I was a teenager going through physical harm by one of my brothers, including having been choked, his yells even worse than that to me cus it meant no freedom when my parents weren't home and sometimes even when they were. My brother just didn't seem to care, as long as he didn't get in trouble. And he did this when my older brother was not there. I covered my bruises cus they could be covered, and I let others think it was just due to my normal clumsyness that I had cus everyone knew that I really was clumsy, so tht was easy to lie to say I just fell or walked into something. But, I had tried telling some people at some points, later on. At the time, no one helped. Some people said I was just oversensitive about the things he did to me and of that I should keep it quiet, and of that they thought I could handle it. But therapists I started asking to go see from teen age on up had diagnosed me with PTSD and said that it seemt to be from the stuff that my brother had been doing. Anyway, below is this poem that explains what it was like when he would yell so loud (nnot just for me to hear him, well enough, but also to control me amde sure I was paying attention and would do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He'd cut my hand, and I went to a nieghbor to ask her to help fix it since it wasn't too badly injured. She did for me. He choked me into unconsciousness at another point. He'd hit me so often, and he beat me often, too. He kept me in his bedroom and restrained me or hit me, sometimes, if I'd tried to leave-even at 11p.m. or 1a.m., even if I was severely tired. I wasn't allowed to stay in mine or he would grab me and hit me or beat me. Once, he even took a huge medical book my parents had in a small book shelf that was in a type of extra living room, and he pinned me to the ground and beat me with it (the book was a thick hard covered book that was also big, with a while cover and lettering on it that was of different colours. One sometimes cannot forget details situations like that that happen in violent situations. He'd take the door knob off my door so that I couldn't go into my room to escape him and close and lock my door for safety from his violence or for time alone. And dad had come around and put it back on on several different occasions. Then my brother had just taken the door knob off, again, to keep me from being able to go tino my room to escape him and his violence. And my dad would put the door knob back on, agian. But he just knew how to take that doorknob off, again. I apologise for all of this long post, but I have to get it out of my system, apparently more than I thought I'd needed to vent. Anyway, there are some things I know might upset people who know me to tell read, even if they have heard this part, before, but I want to tell a small bit about it to let people understand more on what had gone on by my younger brother on me (he is older than me, but he is the younger brother. I am the only sister in a set of three kids). Anyway, he came in one day, and he closed the door, though not all the way, but enough so that he would not be heard, and he then asked me stuff that made me feel very uncomfortable because it pertained to sex. It was one thing to have conversations with sinblings about if a sibling broke up with someone or is wanting to date someone. But when a sibling crosses a line by asking another sibling for sex, that just crosses boundaries, and he had crossed my boundaries by asking me for sex. I told him that that is wrong because that is incest, and I then asked him why he was asking me that, and he replied about that he had this girl he, liked and of that he wanted to seem experienced with her. He had wanted to practise with me to seem experiences for her. Hello?!?!?! I know that he and I were adopted and all, but he is my biolgical brother adopted with me in a pair cus DCF had wanted to keep us together when we were adopted by an adoptive family. Anyway, he didn't care. With all that had gone on, I thought that maybe even though it wasn't right to do any of this to anyone, I thought that I just had to accept it, so when my ex-boyfirned from high school contaxted me, again once he got out of the service, I got back together with him, and then later continued a relationship with him and had children by him, marrying him along the way. Well, low self-esteem and severe depression plus some giving up on life had a role to play in my giving in to him and marrying him (that plus the fact that I thought I loved him). Anyway, my kids are adopted out for their safety, and I got a protective order and divorced him. I had a couple relationships after that that were abusive, too. Now, I am currently single. I am safe, so that is what is important. Anyway, here is my poem:

Looking Up At The Sky

As I look up at the sky,
I see clouds,
I see birds,
And life pass me by

I am jealous, because
The clouds and birds cannot see
The hatred and control
That you always show me

They get to move about, freely,
At their own pace, so gracefully
While you restrain me and ask me
Where I went and where I will be

They get to move to and fro’
No care in the world
While you unleash your anger and threats
As though the devil is unfurled

I look up at the sky
And wish that that were me,
Flying in the sky, so high
And forever, so free

Free from your yelling
Free from your control, beatings, belittlements, and accusations
When will you hurt me, again?
With you, there is no way of telling

And so, I look up at the sky
Crying, silently, daily,
Wishing that I was one of those birds
Who could fly, carelessly,
and just be free to be me

Author: April Morone
**Author’s note: I had written this when I was about 14 years of age, originally.
The words, herein, that I put down when writing this poem might speak for themselves as to the meaning of this poem. But, I can explain, anyway, as to why I wrote this poem. I wrote this poem because I saw a dear friend hurting-one who I love very much-and I just wanted this friend to allow me to help however needed to help get him through stuff he was going through.

"Silent Plea"

My heart aches
when I see you
because you are in pain
and you won't tell me what I can do
for you

This ache, I can't get rid of
I've tried, but to no avail
because your sadness permeates everything
If I try to help,
will I only fail?

Want to touch you-
got to have you-
it's not fair that you're so close
yet I can't have you

Even as I stand just inches apart
so close that I could almost touch you
you are unreachable
All I want to do
is to show love to you

But you've been too hurt
your soul, now guarded
so, you won't allow anyone in
and it hurts me to see you

If I could just touch you-
a gentle hand on your face
hold you
in a loving embrace

Tell you things that could help you heal
listen to you of your dreams
But your hardened heart
keeps you safe
you won't show the emotions you feel

The emotions you've told me
you feel for me
But you hold back out of fear
If only you could let yourself be happy

God, it hurts
to see you in pain
but I will keep that to myself
so to not make you feel worse, again

Let me take away your pain
let me be the One
Let me show you love, again
Let me show you that it doesn't have to hurt
to love,
or to open up, some

Let me wipe away your tears you've shown me
Let me take it all away
Let me be your shoulder-
your confidante
Please, just let me help
make it all better in some way

Author: April Morone

Pretend with me
for a little while...
touch me
pleasure me
make me smile

Pretend with me
that you actually care
show tenderness
in a long, romantic stare

Pretend with me
that I rock your world
and that I'm in your dreams
that you try to unfurl

Pretend with me
that you love me
if only for a night-
tell me what I want to hear
to make it alright

Pretend with me
and I'll pretend, too,
if only for a night,
that I am an equal to you

Pretend with me
that you have no hate
that you are truly kind
and that love can be because of fate

Pretend with me
that life is worth living-
that domestic violence doesn't reign
and that men can be truly giving

[So just] Pretend with me
for a little while
that you love me-
make me smile

Pretend with me
that life is sweet,
that you respect me,
and that I help to make your
life complete....

Pretend with me...
Just pretend, please....

Author: April Morone
I'd written this poem to show how carefree and calm and content I was feeling as I stared at the sky on a pretty Summer day, and sighed. I wrote about how it felt, emotionally, from doing so. I wanted more positive, light and carefree poems to show through to people.

"Flying High Above"

Flying High Above
Set free, and soaring...
That's what is to be...

High above the clouds
Sun's warmth felt
Dreamily soaring high above
The past, away, did melt

This is where am-
Just being-
This is where still I'll be
Soaring away from all

Because life's whatever’s isn't for me
Like the angels that I see
Like the kindred who have gone before me
Like God and all the spirits
This place is for me

So I go here
And I stay
Can never go back
Not for an hour, day, or week
The heavens is where I am
And it is where I'll forever be

Author: April Morone

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

"And I Ask you, 'Please...' "; "And I Will Help You...."

This is one version of two songs I wrote, that are to be in conjunction with each other and in succession of each other. I have another version-slightly differently, only-of my second song that is consecutive to the first song, herein. But I like this version of my second, consecutive song, better, so, I won't post the other version of my second song in another post. This is the version of both songs that I added to my book "From The Heart," subtitled 'Poems.' These two are written as though the first song is a plea to God from a human. And the second song is written as though in answer to the human who is giving a plea to God, and as though God has sent down an angel to be there for the human and be there for the human while the human grieves. I Wrote the first poem in response to my grandfather dying, this first poem that plea to God, the second poem my wish that God bring me an angel. It is my belief that He (God) did.

"And I ask You, PLEASE"....

I sit here, crying

cause there's nothing else I can do

the pain hurts that bad

and all I can think of is you...

I need you right now

God, the pain is too much

just need you, right now

need your caring touch

(your hug to me-

just need you to hold me tight-

while I cry, right now,

because, hon,

I'm cryin' with all my might

I'm hurting that bad

that I don't think I'll make it through

which is why I ask this favour-

this favour of you

**{"And I ask you PLEASE.

PLEASE don't let me go."

I ask you, "Please.

Your solace,

please show."

*{And I ask you, "PLEASE.

PLEASE don't leave.

Just need you here, right now,

while I cry and grieve."}

My world is gone-

everything changed the night he passed away-

my inner light, dimmed,

making everything not o.k.

Hurting because he will never
Be here again
Hurting because I'd just lost
My dear sweet friend

Hurting because he seemt
An angel Heaven sent
Hurting because he suffered
when he went.

*{And I ask you, "PLEASE.

PLEASE don't let me go."

I ask you, "Please,

your solace, please show."

*{And I ask you, "PLEASE.

PLEASE don't leave-

just need you here, right now,

while I cry and grieve"}

*"{And I ask you, "PLEASE.

PLEASE don't turn away

I can't do this alone-

not even for one more day."}

*{And I ask you, "PLEASE.

PLEASE don't judge me."

And I ask you, "PLEASE.

PLEASE just see me for me,

and be here holding me

(the pain is way too intense,

gripping every part of me)"}


Song written by: April Morone

****This next song "And I Will Help You" goes in conjunction with the
above one, called " And I Ask You, PLEASE "

"And I will Help You"...

"And I will help you," I say,

as you cry with all your might.

And I then walk up to you

and hold you, gently, tight

"And I will help you," I say,

as you writhe in pain

holding you-

just holding you-

hoping that it helps you

to want to live, again

"And I will help you," I say,

"by not saying anything,

and just being here for you"

And I take your hits of rage until

you drop into me, softly crying

"And I will help you," I say,

"for as long as you need

till you get through this,"

crying with you

as you grieve

*{And I tell you, "No,

I WON'T let you go."

I tell you, "Yes,

my Solace, I will show."

*{And I tell you, "No,

I won't leave-

am here for you, now,

while you cry and grieve ."}

"I know you are in such pain-

on your face it is so clear-

and I am here to calm and comfort you

through your grief, fear, and tears."

My heart aches to see you this way-

no one should have to be in pain-

and my tears slide down my face

to see God's children in a world where

Where there is a lot of hurting and suffering.

I feel your shudders

as your tears do subside

and see you wipe your tears away

from your all too puffy eyes,

then sigh

I see you look up at me

a small smile of embarrassment on your face

as you try explaining why you cried

but I shush you and say

that everything will be alright


And so, we sit like that, a while

and take in God' grace of silence

I notice a smile of peace start to form

on your small angelic face

for you seem at peace

from life's happenings and tyrants

*{And [so], I tell you, "No,

I won't let you go."

I tell you, "Yes,

my solace, I will [always] show."

{[And] I tell you, "No,

I won't leave.

"Am here for you, now [and always]

while you cry and grieve.

"Don't want you hurting

from this situation happening."}

Author: April Morone

"The Little Things In Life"

To help others keep positive, I wrote this poem: ....

"The Little Things In Life"

As life gives trials
So, too, it gives wonderful things
To that we brightly smile
That it makes us grateful for the little things
That make it all worth while

Author: April Morone

"The Lonely Man"

This poem, I wrote when I saw a man walking, slowly, and as though truly sad. So, I wrote about what I thought might have been why he walked this way. He might have been homeless or lost everything he owned, and been sad due to to this. Below is my interpretation and guestimation of what he might have been going through as to why he walked that way, seemingly so sad: ...

"The Lonely Man"

The lonely man walks

Down the street, he walks

With his shoulders down

His head facing the ground

He walks

The man has lost all he owned

His wife

His kids

His home

Where he'd once been renowned

Now he is without a job

And by his family, disowned

And so, he walks

Just walks

The lonely man walks...

Author: April Morone

"Sunshine Lost"

I wrote this in dedication of my grandfather who had passed, Octobre 15th, 2007 (a Monday).

"Sunshine Lost"

Sun ray
I was to you
You included me in
Almost everything you'd do

Time for me
You always made
Attention to you,
I always paid

You were wise
Beyond your years
And you calmed me
from things that brought me tears

Reassured me
That everything would be o.k., you did,
And in your home from abusers,
I hid,

Knowing that
you'd keep me safe
knowing that you kindness for a while,
my terror, would stave.

I learned that my smile
Could bring you happiness
If only for
Just a little while

Away from the abuse that you, too,
Suffered at the hands of somebody-
From your own wife-
I found that I could bring you glee

We would laugh at each other's jokes,
And you got me about having hearing loss
Because you had had it, too,
And about this, too,
Your family got cross

We had our little secret,
You and me,
We could escape into our stories we'd tell each other
About what we wanted to do in life
If we could escape abuse on us-
You from your ex-wife's,
And me from my brother's.

You could sense my thoughts
And I could, you
My feelings, you always seem to know,
And yours, I did, too

We were more like best friends
We looked out for each other-
More so because we understood each other, best
But also because
We had no other

But now that ray of sunshine
That you say I was to you
Is a little dimmer
Because your life is through

But what you didn't know
Was that you were my complete sunshine-
The one I looked up to for everything
All of the time

And now you have passed on,
So I have lost my sunshine-
My reason for living-
My best friend-
On to Heaven,
You were sent.

And now here I sit,
Thinking of you,
Missing your brilliance and radiant personality-
Crying because you can't enjoy life on earth, anymore
You are no longer here
But I'm glad you are no longer suffering,

I see you, now
In everything I do,
And everywhere I look,
There stands you-

I'm reminded of you
When I see the sun,
When I listen to someone's kind story,
Or when I cook Italian

I think of you
When I sense you near-
My guardian angel, you are-
And you take away my fear.

Because I miss you,
The pain is so very strong
Heaven is where you are
I know, though,
That your kindred spirit is where it belongs

Author: April Morone

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Here is a sample of my book, titled "From The Heart," subtitled "Poems," but this version is revised as of June 7th, 2010.

"Dance of Love"

We are separate
We are one
Blended in motion
In a dance that isn't done

Moving left
Then swaying right
Connected to each other,
Touching, tight

Then we move apart
In this timeless, beautiful art
Saying with dance
What we cannot find in words
Expressing our love
To endless musical chords

We yearn for each other
Showing we care
This dance brings us tears
Because we know what is there

Stepping into each other
We all but kiss
Then step away
To show that each other, we miss

The pull of our love
Shown with each inward step
then we sweep away from each other
Twirling few feet away
To show our longing for each other
being kept away

The ache that we feel
When together and apart
is shone by the movements we make
And expressions of this form of art

Ballet says what we cannot-
Shows what we dare to speak
expressing so eloquently,
what we forever sought
[to say]

"I love you and you love me
And forever,we try to be
But we are torn, at times, apart
Aching for each other
In our hearts

It cannot work
of our love, you see
because we were too sensitive
I'd hurt you and you'd hurt me

But we will forever want to be
Because we are soul mates meant to be
And so we try, endlessly
To be together, happily

Our dance finally comes to an end
And we step away, sadly,
Realising that we cannot continue
Despite how we tried so fervently

And we cry and yearn
Aching deep in our hearts
Dying, inside
For our love that still burns

Author: April Morone
Hello, all. This is my blog to express all that I have seen or have learnt in life. I hope that you enjoy it.
April Morone